We had our first childbirth class this weekend. We joined six other couples anxious to be first time parents. I did call the teacher the day before to
suck up make sure we were going to the right place, so I knew what to forget bring, etc. Naturally, Greyson and I were the most disruptive students in the class.
We arrive, late, toting our Starbucks cups. We didn’t bring enough to share with the whole class. We sign in and take our seats. Greyson leans over and whispers to me, “They’re already going to think you’re a bad mom because you’ve got coffee.” I said, “At least they don’t know about the Kahlua in it.” We snickered.
We all had to introduce ourselves. We all had babies due in October, one couple in November. (Overachievers! Look at you already in childbirth class in mid-August! La-ti-da!) I was actually really excited to see my friend Laura in the class and get to meet her husband Dan. She and I know each through work and are due about 3 weeks apart.
I didn’t really know what to expect. We’ve all seen the Lamaze-like classes with heavy breathing portrayed in countless movies. We had a straight-shooting OB/GYN nurse teaching the class. I anticipated two things. One, a birthing ball would be demonstrated. After all, it is in all the movies. Two, we’d have to watch an extremely awkward video. I was not disappointed on either count.
We were the worst students in the class because….
1. We sold our exercise ball in our recent yard sale to get ready for our baby. Oops.
2. This video featured couples telling their stories of natural delivery. There was plenty of Mayo-Clinic-like graphics with diagrams of uteruses over new age music. When it got to the part about your water breaking the graphic read like this…
You’re supposed to remember those things when you call the Doctor and tell them your water broke. Maybe it was all the vagina talk, but Greyson leans over to me and says, “I think TACO would be easier to remember.” I could not stifle my giggles, thus getting evil looks from my classmates.
3. I whispered to Greyson that the woman in the video looked like a fat Molly Ringwald. More laughing, more looks.
4. I spilled coffee all over my shirt and jeans in front of everyone in the middle of the video. I stunk like soured latte the remainder of the morning.
5. Greyson buried his head in his hands when I asked if they could wash off the baby after it is born so I don’t have to hold her with all the afterbirth on her. The teacher explained we could put that in our birth plan to give to the nurses at the hospital. (I can see it now. #43 of my birth demands. “I must have a perfectly clean baby.”)
6. The teacher went on to explain how changing pads that come in your diaper bag are worthless and to use puppy training pads instead. Makes sense. Greyson leans over to me and says, “That’s good, then the baby will know where to go pee in the house.” That was it. The stifled giggles were over. This was a full-on belly laugh right in the middle of everything. The teacher made us share our little joke. Luckily everyone else laughed too.
Thankfully we don’t get graded and no one will tell our parents about our poor conduct in class. Next week we should probably bring an apple for the teacher, or a taco. Maybe I’ll bring a puppy pad in case I spill my coffee.